I RECEIVED HIS GRACE
After nine years of struggling to conceive, I received God's grace!
On December 10, 2014, I gave birth to a bouncing and beautiful baby boy. To this day, I can't help but look into his sweet face and feel blessed to be his Mom. It's amazing to think that for years, I never thought I would be a Mom and yet, here he is. My perfect, sweet, rambunctious little boy.
My journey to parenthood was long and arduous. There were times I cursed God, turned my back on my faith, questioned everything I was doing, and more.
Am I proud of this behavior?
Nope! However, I know that through my pain and anguish God never left my side despite me turning my back on him. I believe I had to endure the heartache and suffering that I did for me to see the light.
In full transparency, I was incredibly unhappy, depressed, and quite frankly hated life. I was miserable. I walked around with a fake smile and told everyone life was great, when in reality I had never felt more alone, broken, ashamed, and lost. Those nine years were some of the darkest days of my life, and I don't wish them onto anyone.
To share a bit about my journey to parenthood, let me start by backing up to when I was diagnosed with infertility.
In September 2006, my doctor diagnosed me with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I still remember the day like it was yesterday when my gynecologist called me with the news. I was sitting at my desk at my job with my boss a few feet away when I found out that I would never conceive on my own. I was devastated!
Tears started to stroll down my face, and my body began to shake. I instantly became sick to my stomach and just wanted to scream. I left the office in self-pity and anxious to tell my (ex) husband.
I waited for my (ex) husband to return from work to deliver the most devasting news. Our dream of having a baseball team size family wasn't going to be a reality. Knowing this is the one thing we both desired it crushed me to know that I couldn't give him what he hoped and dreamed.
I felt broken and less of a woman. I felt like a failure as a wife. I felt like my life instantly shattered into a million pieces, and I was scrambling around trying to pick them up without getting cut more.
At the request of my doctor, we agree to do birth control for three months and then stop because it would help regulate my cycle to get me pregnant.
Did it? Nope!
I sought out a fertility specialist shortly after that, and we started on Clomid. We did nine months of treatments to no avail. I gained nearly 90 pounds in a month, hormones were a rollercoaster, and I had acne all over my body. My depression was high and confidence low. I felt like the ugly duckling and wanted to hide in a hole.
I argued with my (ex) husband on a regular basis and threatened to divorce him many times. To this day, I have no idea how we made it ten years together because I was ruthless. I belittled him and blamed him for all the things that weren't going right in my life. I judged and ridiculed his every move. There were even times I told him I hated him.
I cursed God, lost my faith, and my way. I was frustrated and angry and what my life had become and couldn't understand why God was punishing me. What did I ever do to deserve this?
I cried and became angry anytime someone I knew announced their pregnancy. I would avoid the baby section at the stores, bypassed people in passing that were pregnant, and threw away baby shower invites. I wanted NOTHING to do with anyone that was pregnant or anything to do with babies.
Over the course of nine years, I saw three specialists and my (ex) husband, and I did everything we could do within reason to conceive.
- three surgeries
- invasive testing
- oral medication
- painful injections
- cycle charting
- diets and exercise
We even looked into artificial insemination, IVF, and adoption. Artificial insemination was an option for us; however, my body seemed to reject the idea and never prepped like it was supposed to so that I could receive the treatment. IVF and adoption were options as well but ones we weren't serious about pursuing at the time due to the costs.
Nothing seemed to work! We shelled out thousands of dollars, racked up credit card bills, and went into debt just so that we could become parents.
Was this smart? No, but in my quest to become a mother I ignored some serious problems in my relationship. Behind closed doors, my marriage struggled. To the public eye, it was all rainbows and unicorns. Much to the surprise of our families, we decided that enough was enough and we divorced in December 2012.
At the age of 30, I found myself divorced, alone, and working two jobs and attempting to run a side hustle that felt more like a job than a business. I was significantly in debt. I nearly lost my home, and I went days without running water or electricity.
Many nights were spent sitting in the candlelight with my two dogs. There were days I didn't eat because there wasn't food and there were days I spent my last couple of dollars on gas so that I could get to my jobs.
I was picking up the pieces of what abysmal life I had. I was ashamed, frustrated, and feeling less than hopeful about my future.
That was until one day out of the blue; my current husband randomly reached out to me on Facebook. Almost exactly a year to the date of meeting him he was contacting me to see if I had adopted and become a mother. Embarrassed as I was to admit, I shared with him that I was recently divorced and I was still not a mother.
Much to my surprise, this didn't easily scare him. In fact, a short time later he asked me out on a date. Against my better judgment, I agreed. I wasn't sure what to expect, and I certainly wasn't looking for a relationship. I was trying to get my life together!
However, we met, connected, and the rest is history! I knew the moment that he kissed me that we were meant to be together. I kid you not, my knees got so weak that they buckled and he had to catch me. I fell deeply head over heels in love with my husband on our first date. In fact, I told my younger sister, "Mark my words. I will marry that man one day". She thought I was nuts! Although one could make that assumption, I knew that what we had was real true love. I had never felt that way about anyone before. Something deep inside told me that beyond a shadow of a doubt he was my soulmate.
What made me fall in love with my husband?
It was his devotion to God. He was (still is) so deeply rooted in his faith that it was inspiring. Having turning my back on God and my faith, I was desiring to jump back in but was scared and ashamed of how I acted for so many years. I wasn't sure how to start going back to church and learning to trust God that no matter what he would always provide.
I believe God perfectly timed this divine intervention. I was at the lowest of lows in my life. Divorced, financially broke, infertile, alone, and picking up the pieces of my life. There was nothing desirable about me. I had lost all hope. I was a hamster on a wheel just going about my day. Hoping, wishing, and dreaming that it'd eventually get better.
With the urging of my husband, I began to go back to the church, pray, and reconnect with my faith and with God. I learned to forgive myself for my past and forgive my (ex) husband for all that went wrong in our relationship. I humbled myself and kept moving forward with grace.
In July 2013, I went in for my fourth surgery to remove a troublesome cyst. However, this routine surgery ended up being more than I bargained for. It turns out my surgeon had to remove my right ovary and tube because of scar tissue. It apparently was one giant mass that was fused together. He also discovered that my left fallopian tube was completely blocked and I had a new diagnosis, endometriosis.
I remember so clearly the day he delivered the devastating news. My Mom was sitting next to me in the hospital chair, and my boyfriend (current husband) was in Switzerland on his "Eat, Pray, Love" adventure to find himself for three months. I had just been told that I would never conceive without surgery and even with the special surgery the chances were slim. I was in disbelief. I couldn't believe it.
My next thoughts were about how I was going to tell my boyfriend who was overseas that kids were no longer an option. We were newly together, in love, and dreaming about our future together that involved children. We both wanted a large family, and I was faced with telling him that it likely wasn't going to happen. I remember him that he could stay in Switzerland and live his life with no hard feelings or return home to me, and we'll figure out this mess together. He came back home.
After he was home, he began to pray on my stomach daily with a rosary that I gifted him. We both prayed long and hard to be parents. He never doubted for a second that I wouldn't be a Mom. I, on the other hand, needed more convincing. I had hope, but with four specialists agreeing that kids weren't an option I believed in the scientific results rather than having faith and trust that God would deliver if it were meant to be.
My husband always said, "Kayla, as God is my witness, if you are meant to be a Mom you will be." He believed it wholeheartedly that I would be a mother one day. It's amazing how deeply rooted he is in his faith and how much he trusts that no matter what it'll all work out.
As you know, I did become a mother. I never had the surgery. In fact, I stopped all treatments that I was on as "maintenance" to conceive. In February 2014, I gave my burden to God. I was done worrying about the stress of becoming a mother and timing everything just right in hopes that I would conceive. I only asked for a sign to tell me if I should have the surgery to repair my tube or to give up and go on living my life. No matter what I was done carrying that burden myself.
In March 2014, we conceived and April 2014 I received my sign. Two beautiful pink lines on a pregnancy test that I was so ticked about buying in the first place since I KNEW it was going to be negative. Clearly, I was wrong!
How did all this come to be?
I believe that God works in mysterious ways. He let me see how my previous marriage wasn't meant to be. He brought my current husband to me at the exact moment I needed him. A man deeply rooted in his faith to help me pick up the pieces of my life and find my way back to God.
I experienced hell for so many years all so that I could see that it was all part of God's plan. He brought me my soulmate. The man I was supposed to be with, who would help me stretch and grow in my faith, and be the most amazing father to our son. God knew I needed him.
Our faith is what brought us together, and our love created our family.
In the spirit of National Infertility Awareness week, I desire to inspire and bring hope to those struggling with infertility and to raise awareness.
Please share this story with others who are struggling to conceive so that my miraculous story can help bring them hope.
If you are struggling to conceive and need support, I am here for you!