In spirit of National Infertility Awareness Week (April 26th-30th), I felt compelled to share with you my story.
Hi, for those of you who don't know me or my story (yet), I'm a Mommy to a beautiful, VERY rambunctious, miraculous, little boy. When I say miracle, I truly mean it. Here's why...
I struggled to conceive for 9 years and invested in several specialists, took medications, had surgeries all in an attempt to help me conceive. Sadly, we never did conceive and we easily spent 5 figures on our mission to be parents.
I dealt with my own personal hell for years too with my body changing, gaining weight at rapid speeds (90 lbs in 2 months), hormones on a continuous roller coaster, depression, anxiety and more! It's no wonder why we divorced!
In my quest to become a Mom, I became ANGRY with my life, my body and especially with God. I turned away from my faith during a time I needed it the most. I cursed God on a regular basis when things didn't go my way. I now know how wrong that was, but I was hurting spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. I lashed out when I shouldn't have.
My marriage with my ex-husband suffered significantly due to the stress of it all. I HATED myself and the life I had built. I did a lot of things I'm really not proud of, but I have learned to accept that those things are in my past and are included in that chapter of my book called Life. We all make mistakes. Life is a series of experiments...each time we learn something new and we grow.
In December 2012, my ex-husband and I divorced. I came to terms with the fact that I was alone and mommy-hood was not going to happen any time soon. I knew needed to focus more on getting my life together and finding myself, because my very actions were causing me to live a life that I couldn't be proud of. I was ashamed, depressed and struggling with life in general. I needed to get my groove back and learn to LOVE myself again. I needed to get back on my own two feet and stand tall with my head held high.
In January 2013, I reconnected with an acquaintance. Oh man, God’s timing is always PERFECT! When I met my current husband, I was actually still married to my ex. We met through a mutual friend and that was it. Much to my surprise, he reached out to me shortly after my divorce and I couldn't believe we hit it off. We connected on a deep level and had a whirlwind of a romance. I ended up marrying the love of my life and best friend in 2014. God was waiting for the exact moment for him to walk into my life. He's pretty amazing. You'll understand why in a few...
During my 9 year struggle, I underwent 3 separate surgeries for infertility and complications due to PCOS and Endometriosis. My last surgery, in July 2013, was supposed to be a routine surgery to remove a large cyst that was causing me pain. Unfortunately, I woke to hear that my right ovary and tube had to be removed. I was then told that my left tube was completely blocked and that I would NEVER conceive on my own. Imagine having to hear that!
It literally felt like my entire world was crumbling around me. How could this be happening? I'm a good person. God knows I want to be a Mom so flippin' bad, so why is he doing this to me? Seriously, why me?
Moreover, the flood of feelings such as anxiety, guilt, depression and anger washed over me within seconds. How was I going to explain this to my boyfriend that I may NEVER be able to have children? I knew he wanted a large family of his own one day and since we had discussed our future a family was already in the picture. I was afraid to tell him. Would he leave me? Would I lose the man I fell head over heels in love with? I was so scared that it was going to be my reality…
When I shared with him my devastating news, he simply sat quiet for a moment and then said, “Kayla, if you desire to be a Mom, then as God as my witness, you'll be one.” I was beyond grateful for his love and support; however, was he living in denial? Did he not just hear what I had told him? I was happy, but wasn't 100% sure how his vision for me to be a Mom was going to become a reality.
Shortly thereafter, being a devout Catholic, he began praying the rosary daily on my stomach. With his urging and guidance from the start of our courtship, I grew closer to my faith. After my last surgery, I began saying Hail Mary's every chance I could get. We prayed and prayed. I didn’t know what else to do. So, on those days that I wanted to just cry my eyes out, I prayed some more. Trust me, God and I had multiple chats daily.
In February 2014, I finally had enough and during prayer I told God that I was done doing this alone. That if it was his will for me to be a Mom then for him to give me a sign and tell me what I should do. Have surgery or just give up? I had made peace with it and knew it was in his hands now...
In April 2014, God gave me my sign. I heard it loud and clear! I was EXPECTING!!! How could this be? My right tube and ovary were gone and my left tube was completely blocked? I didn't have surgery and I wasn't on any medication to help us conceive. The ONLY thing we did (well aside from the obvious 😉) was PRAY!
You see, scientifically and medically I was NEVER supposed to conceive on my own. In fact, the likelihood of me being a Mom was at an extremely low percentage. I mean single digit percentage. Sad...but true. To this day my doctors still can't explain how it came to be that I was pregnant. Shocking! However, every single one of them said that I received a miracle.
I truly believe that God heard me that brisk, but sunny afternoon in February when I fully handed over my pain to him. He heard me and provided us with our little miracle in December 2014.
We were blessed by his grace and because of his grace it's my desire to share with others my story in hopes to inspire, bring hope and to keep your faith during their infertility battle.
I can do all things through him who strengthens me - Philippians 4:13
I know what it's like to feel utterly and completely alone when facing infertility and I NEVER want anyone to feel the way I did. I truly mean it from the bottom of my heart that if you need support, please reach out to me. I may be a Mommy now, but I will never forget my journey to parenthood.
Kindly share and/or leave a comment below if this inspired and brought you hope.