WHY DO WE RESIST WHAT IS HAPPENING IN LIFE
What we resist, persists…
What a tongue twister! Doesn’t it create a feeling of tension and twisted up pressure inside your mouth just saying it? We can feel those words and their refection of contraction.
Perhaps it is because our bodies truly are the hidden reservoir for all of those things our mind wants and needs to avoid. You know, all of those uncomfortable feelings, the challenging problems, the circular thoughts and the frustrations when life doesn’t go our way.
Why do we resist what is happening in life?
OUR FEAR MIND
Our fear mind is the part of us that cannot accept life when it is taking us out of our comfort zone. Our fear mind only knows how to respond from a survival place. It is always searching for the next potential problem or danger. When we feel afraid when life is tough, it looks for a reason to blame the problem on someone or something outside of us that is “making us upset.”
As you can guess, our fear mind tends to be our greatest saboteur, especially when we are trying to aspire, grow and create changes in our lives or businesses. It will always come up with the reasons not to pursue a new path, a new idea or to make a change.
It can literally put blinders on us and tells us to stick with the same old ways to solve our problems and issues in life. We cannot see any other options. We are convinced these old choices are the only way. We stay stuck in the old patterns, that we have clear evidence already that they do not work. Yet we hold on to our habits, and they hold us back from progress.
I did this for years and years, struggling in my business, trying to figure out the solution. I was unhappy with where I was at but I wasn’t willing to reach out and get a new perspective or help. I had the whole internal “I need to look like I know how to do everything” syndrome. So
I kept trying the same thing in new ways, but nothing changed. What I was resisting was my ego’s story of failure and the shame it had lined up for me.
Instead, I eventually worked with my beliefs and fear stories and learned to contain my ego’s tendencies for drama. Drama meaning self-doubt, worry, expectations, judgments. This made space for new perspectives.
THE RESISTANCE RIPPLES
This is how we end up resisting what life keeps giving us, again and again. We can’t see or don’t want to see that the old solutions and ways of being have truly expired. And it is time to let them go.
But we don’t. We resist. We deny. We avoid. When the fear mind is running us, this is all we can do. And then what happens?
We stop eating well, our sleep cycle is off, we are not performing as well. We feel stuck, we have new problems arise, we feel more powerless and things seem to get worse.
We continue to avoid feelings that we don’t want to feel. We ignore the elephant in the room.
We pretend its all ok while our body-mind starts showing more effects of it all- we are exhausted, grumpy, unfocused, having obsessive worry thoughts and a negative mindset. And in our business, we lose momentum, feel insecure and off task.
The harder it gets, the tighter the grip our fear mind has on maintaining the status quo.
We can find ourselves struggling and holding on for dear life to those old solutions. They may not work but they feel like our security blankets. We just don’t want to let them go. Here is where the fear perpetuates more fear.
I did this “fear of trying” deal with sugar. I was pre-diabetic during and after the births of my two kids who were 13 months apart. My marriage was falling apart and my husband and I were separating. It was beyond stressful. Sugar was biggest coping skill from childhood. My doctor very clearly said STOP and my brain said NO WAY, this is all I have to get a break and feel good. It took years to unwind my grip from sugar, even though I got more and more aware of its negative effects. My desire to be “emotionally safe “was higher than my desire to be healthy. I just wasn’t ready. It took many years to create safety around letting go of sugar.
THE WAKE-UP CALL
So, life will keep presenting the “lesson” we are needing to learn in some new forms, trying to help us “pass the test “and move forward and grow. Why? No one knows exactly. One could say it is our soul path that we signed up for or it is just the way life rolls. Either way, in my experience there is no way around it. Life will just keep showing up in a certain way until we finish the lesson. And there is only one way out of the cycle and it is through.
I know, it’s not what the resistant part of us wants to hear while it is digging its heels into the sand, with a scrunched-up face saying “No, I don’t want to!”
So the lesson usually gets louder and bigger until we can no longer avoid it. Then it really does become the wake-up call that we have no choice but to face. Whatever way it manifests it usually is an obstacle that can no longer be avoided.
I had improved with my self-care and come out of survival mode I thought. I was shifting my work focus and wanted to increase my impact and my revenue. I was working long hours on top of single parenting. I felt large and in charge. Then my stress level started impacting how I was showing up with my clients, my friends and mostly my kids. It was also affecting my sleep, my eating, and my weight concerns. This was not OK.
I had to step back and see that this was not just a lifestyle choice to take care of myself. This was a “value of life” choice. If I care about being a good mother, a good friend, and a good coach, then I have to let go of the remaining fear and control patterns that are still running me. If I want to live life to the fullest, I need to review how I will make that possible.
THE BODY KNOWS
Often times this obstacle shows up in our body. We get ill, or injured or hurt in some way. We are initially shocked. Why is this happening? We later realize how we were not paying attention, how we were ignoring ourselves and the messages that were present.
It’s foreign for many of us but the body is us and not an accessory. It knows what is happening always. And it is our ally; one of our best allies. Now it can also be our teacher.
Listening to our bodies and learning to be more embodied and aware, can be the best practice if we are persistent resisters. We become more skilled at knowing how to face our feelings and needs. We can be more in tune with our choices. We can also learn how to find our inner calm in the body that helps us to stop avoiding in the first place.
The Body can become a place of security rather than dissociation, where we feel more courage to face our life experiences. More security means less resistance to what is, which leads to staying more present with ourselves and flowing in the ebb and flow of life. And this means we can be more open to our life lessons and complete them sooner than later since we know they will reoccur until we have learned what is necessary.
And being in the flow means we are in harmony rather than resistance with our creativity, connections, and businesses. We can move along quicker in our development which allows us to clear our blocks more easily to be our authentic selves and clearly sharing our gifts with the world.
My body was always sharing a lot of information that I refused to listen to. I, like most of us, wait until there is a problem to really listen. I was getting immune issues showing up and I couldn’t ignore it. I had to step up my health game with everything – my sleep, my food, my stress. Despite my resistance, the body will show us it isn’t playing, so we better take listen up or it will get louder.
I slowly learned to respect and honor my body, like never before. I studied yoga, tantra, embodiment, meditation. It all made a significant difference in my health, my joy, and my business.
If you are interested in hearing more about the body and its relationship with our fears, go check out my recent blog on the 3 tips to reconnect with your body wisdom to reduce self -doubt at https://wp.me/p5eINg-6K.
Share with us in the comments below: What has been something you have been resisting because of fear?
Dr. Kate Dow is a best-selling author, teacher, a psychologist turned empowerment coach for women professionals and entrepreneurs. For over 30 years, she continues to be passionate about supporting women to be their most alive, authentic, powerful versions of themselves. From struggled lifelong with anxiety, Dr. Kate has studied mind-body-spirit modalities i.e., apprenticing eight years with Don Miguel Ruiz’s Toltec Teachings learning what makes a real difference for people. She founded Sacred Transitions in 1995 to offer powerful healing and growth for women in practical, compassionate ways. She published her book Fear-Less: The Art of Using Anxiety to Your Advantage in 2017 and launched the online training program that accompanies. She is a loving mother of two college students, her two dogs, and her black cat Jack. She continues to be enchanted and blessed to live in Santa Fe, New Mexico.